Ok. I know what you are all thinking. I gave up. I threw in the towel. I hammered the last nail. I ran out of ones at the strip club. You get the picture. No, I did not give up. Summer aboard the USS Hollywood is quite the experience. Extra work in the consulting department, playing some baseball on Sunday’s, going to ballgames at the minor league park, bitching about Mark Halburn on air. Just a lot of things to do. So here it is, nearly the end of July (I know, right!) and I am finally getting to Mark’s postings of his June Walmart bitch fest. Of course, he didn’t post these himself until late June anyway, so I could not have possibly kept up day by day. Douche bag. Anyway, enough of the rambling intro for June, 2010. On with the show.
June 1st, 2010: Just another day of excessive Walmart noise!
My Response: Fucking fantastic. So I hype all of you up for a big show and we start off with…that? Come on, fatfingers! Where’s the originality? Where is something new? Where is a good ole rant? We got nothing here. Damnit, son, don’t you know how to write? I mean, you are supposed to have what is an opening hook. Do something that grabs the readers attention. All this did was make me throw up in my mouth a little and look for a printed copy of PL.com to toss my cookies in. Oh wait. You are the same color as your wife’s face when you sneak a cheek up and let fly with a future shit stain. Green. You don’t print on paper, which you like to remind us of that fact EVERY GOD DAMN TIME YOU OPEN YOUR FAT MOUTH! You better pick up the pace, stubbydigits, or I may just dump the whole idea and then no one would be talking about you.
June 5th, 2010: We have some company over for dinner. Several of them comment about how Walmart is right on top of our home. They can’t believe the stupidity of its placement in a neighborhood.
My Response: ::chuckles:: You are such a bullshit liar. Really. Everyone that visits your house, even jerky little 5 year olds, comment on how close and how rude Walmart is? Fuck you and your lying, white, puffy ass. NO ONE believes you. No one.
June 6th, 2010: On a Sunday morning, Walmart’s street sweeper wakes me up shortly after 7:00 a.m. When I call the store to complain, a clueless assistant manager named Justin, actually has the audacity to complain to me saying, “We’ve had this conversation before.” Exactly, Justin, we have! YOUR STORE CONTINUES TO BE RUDE TO OUR NEIGHBORHOOD and as long as it does, I will complain! Don’t like my legitimate complaints? THEN GROW UP AND BE POLITE TO YOUR NEIGHBORS!
My Response: Whoa. Hold up a second here. How many assistant managers are there at this Walmart. Mary, David and now Justin? Dude, you are just making shit up now. You don’t call Walmart anymore and I know why. They won’t take your call, period. I know because I called and you are on a no answer list. If you do get through, they are told to just hang up on you. Justin shouldn’t have even commented. Now, who’s the one that is the rude neighbor and should lean how to grow up? Look in a mirror. Oh yeah…by the way…you can blame me again for the street sweepers. I called in again to make sure they were out before it got too busy.
June 7th, 2010: Scott Edwards refuses to allow me to speak to the city council about the Walmart issue-despite me requesting that it be on the agenda and signing up to speak, The unethical politician just wants to ignore the reality of the problem that he created. As long as Edwards has his head up his backside, Hurricane will never have great leadership!
My Response: You like to blame other people for your problems. You haven’t figured that out yet? It’s not Scott Edwards fault that he brought in jobs and a very large tax base business. As far as you not being able to speak in front of the city council? Well, they look at it like a broken record or a really old pair of shit stained, crusty underwear. Eventually, you gotta stop talking about it and throw it away. They got rid of you and your incessant, ineffective, ranting. They filed you under G, Mark. G…for garbage.
June 8th, 2010: Wally World’s street sweeper wakes our toddler shortly after 7:00 a.m. When I call the store to complain, Assistant Manager David is his usual rude and obnoxious self. Why doesn’t Walmart show common courtesy?
My Response: Hey, David is back. I wonder if he knows Jeremy Bowes. I hear Bowes is lifting money from the registers when he counts someone down. Someone better check into that. By the way, yeah, that was me again with the street sweepers. Now I know what Mark is thinking here, that I am bullshitting him. Untrue. I have called four times now. See, what I do is call in to complain that 4AM is a smidge too early and could you move it to like 6 or 7 as a courtesy. They have had no problem with that. Of course, my name wasn’t Mark Halburn. Ha! Bite me dickbag.
June 9th, 2010: At 4:00 a.m., I am awakened by excessive Walmart traffic noise. Why won’t Walmart let us sleep at 4:00 a.m.?
My Response: You are a liar.
June 10th, 2010: Just another day of excessive Walmart traffic noise! More disrespect of our small neighborhood from the world’s largest retail bully!
My Response: Just another day of excessive wind noise from the bully that lives across the street from Walmart. More disrespect by the blow hard, it’s amazing we can do any business at all.
June 13th, 2010: The trash bloggers continue their whining and lies. They think this blog has been discontinued. They are wrong on all counts!
My Response: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
June 17th, 2010: I have the oil changed in my wife’s car at Midway Ford. It’s more money that Walmart lost because of how they abuse our neighborhood!
My Response: Why does this matter? I mean, you have posted this particular statement 2 or 3 times over the course of this Great White Whale of yours and no one gives a shit. It doesn’t matter where you get your oil changed. You are not helping or hurting anyone in the grand scheme of things. Walmart adores the fact you are not there, watching over them like a wild boar in heat. Sadly, the guys at Midway are sweating in the ass crack because you keep blaming them for any scratch, ding, wear & tear noise or dent YOU put into the car. Poor bastards. I think I need to make a phone call.
June 19th, 2010: We buy the play sand to go under Matthew’s new swimming pool at Home Depot. Another way to punish Walmart for being obnoxious neighbors! When we set up the pool, Matthew has to endure an onslaught of excessive traffic noise in the background. Screw you, Walmart! You can’t even let a little boy enjoy his new swimming pool on a Saturday afternoon.
My response: Bullshit. It isn’t the traffic noise that is keeping your kid from enjoying that 5′ diameter pool. He can’t enjoy it because Ahab the Great White Shart’s fat ass died in it after chasing the Great White Whale. Bout the only thing left for the kid to do is cry and perhaps blow up some whale blubber to try and get his pool back.
Oh yeah, again, you didn’t punish Walmart by not buying sand there. I heard they sold more than they would have because people didn’t have to stand in line behind a pork bellied bully.
June 20th, 2010: It’s Father’s Day, but Wally World doesn’t give us a break. We take the celebration out of Putnam County. If you own a Putnam County restaurant and gift shop, Walmart cost you about $200 in revenue. Send Silly Scotty the bill. His stupidity cost your companies!
My Response: $200 bucks my ass. Your total bill came to $22.50. That was a bucket of chicken, a side of Mac & cheese, a #8 soft and 4 soda’s and the free crunchy beef taco that came with hitting 20 bucks on an order. Not sure what the misses and the kiddie had at the KFC/Taco Bell combo, I could not find a receipt in your garbage for them.
June 21st, 2010: A big rig rumbles down the road directly in front of our home, in violation of the no-truck signs. Silly Scotty needs to come live here and experience the Walmart monster that he has created.
My Response: Mr. Mayor needs to come on my show so we can get to the truth about all this. And stop complaining about the trucks, Mark, I already debunked the signs and what they mean.
June 22nd, 2010: Just another day of excessive Walmart traffic noise brought to us by the incompetent Putnam County Development Authority and Silly Scotty!
My Response: I have come to find that the only reason mark bitches about Mr. Edwards (long live the king!) is that Mark is jealous of him. One of the most successful mayors in Hurricane history makes mark Mark and the Pudgy Bunch an unhappy pair. (Yes, I am talking about just Mark, but he is kinda that big to be a pair. Don’t ya think?) Mark?! Put down the fruit. I didn’t say pear!
June 23rd, 2010: We leave town for a few days of peace and quiet, far from Silly Scotty’s obnoxious Wally World!
My Response: I’ve called Cincinnati. They are on high alert. Walmarts will be closed for the weekend. So will the public pools. SWAT Teams mobilized.
June 24th, 2010: Enjoying our Walmart-free weekend! We sleep until about 9:00 a.m., far from the clatter of cars and street grates of Silly Scotty and Drunk Gary’s Walmart. Peace and quiet is a GREAT thing! Hurricane should try it some day!
My Response: Due to the fact that Mark Halburn is not in town for a few days, I decided to write the next few days of responses in the guise of the collective residents of Hurricane, WV.
“Honey? Do you hear that?”
“Exactly. Nothing. Mark Halburn must be on one of his ‘travel feature’ expeditions.”
“You mean he is off stalking that poor woman again?”
“No, I heard he is in Cincinnati.”
“Did someone call ahead and warn them?”
“Tyler Hollywood did.”
“Oh good, that was nice of him. He’s such a good boy. Remind me to send him cookies.”
A sip of coffee is heard.
“Wow, this is amazing. And look at Walmart. They are just packed! Be a banner week for sure.”
“Have you gotten sand for the kids pool yet?”
“Yep. David, the assistant manager help me load 6 bags today. Nice kid. Polite.”
“Good. Good. Well, I better get to baking those cookies. Do you think Tyler likes lemonade?”
“Yes dear, I am sure he does.”
“Yep, gonna be a good, quiet week.”
June 25th, 2010: Another quiet morning away from Wally World! Life is good today. I don’t have to endure Silly Scotty’s pet project that destroyed our neighborhood!
My Response: Today, I respond as if I was mayor of Hurricane, knowing Mark Halburn was gone.
“Are you sure you want me to be mayor for a day?”
“Dude, are you kidding? This will be a great idea!”
“Alright, just making sure you are cool with it. I like the idea. The peple here are just great. Maybe I should move here.”
“I know a great place you could pick up, cheap. Only $350,000.”
Laughter fills the mayors office.
“Real funny, wise guy. By the way, did you call Cleveland Construction?”
“Good, they do indeed have a wrecking ball?”
“Indeed they do, Mr. Hollywood.”
“Excellent Mr. Edwards.”
A slight pause, a shuffling of papers.
“You have the paperwork on 194 Grace Drive?”
Paper smacks a hard wood desk.
“Ahhh….this is going to be good.”
“He is gone, right?”
“No worries, Scotty my man, he is in Cincinnati making life miserable there. Hell, they’d even support this by now.”
Again, laughter fills the mayors office. A pen is scrolled across paper.
“There, all is said just needs to be done.”
“Guess he should have taken the 89,000 grand I offered, eh?”
“Like Obama takes us for granted.”
“Ok, there it is, Mr, Edwards. Make the call. Lets tear down the shitty blue house.”
Sadly folks, that was just a dream. June 26th came and went and the little blue shithole remained. Eventually it’s owner came back and of course, he had nothing left to say about Walmart for the end of the month. Rumor has it (as it is now July 30th) that Mark McBlowhard has posted two…two postings for July which we will bring you in short time. Oh yeah, remember Jeremy Bowes and his alleged pilfering of the Hurricane, WV Walmart cash drawers? He got busted for it. Huh. I wonder who tipped them off? Maybe it was that Mayor for a day. Hmmm…..